I was scared when I went to the hospital today, but more scared of a ghost of physio past than anything else. When I was a child I had a physio called David and he always seemed cruel and sadistic to me, he caused pain and had an army sergeant attitude to anyone who didn't comply. I'm not complaining though, he got the job done, I expect my quality of life was much better for his strict regime. But I know that's not what I need now, which is why I was scared.
Today I met a woman called Lauren, she couldn't have been more of a contrast to my previous experiences. The difference now is they treat you like a human, they don't bark orders and demand more of you than you can possibly give. She talked me through the issues and I feel it went well, even though as I write this, I realise it didn't.
Lauren asked if anyone had talked through my X-rays and showed me what was going on. Being a woman of science as well as a woman of literature this was something I wanted to see and understand. She started by showing me my knees, my kneecaps are high and the left one points way too far left, but that's not really the issue. But there are spurs on the bones and a closing of the gap I need to enable movement, she checked the areas between these bones using my pain levels and a few good prods, not good was the verdict. Then she showed me the difference in the whiteness of the bones at the joints, these are apparently severely damaged areas. My interpretation, my knees are screwed. Not exactly a revelation, I have had problems with them since I was 12.
Next we came to the hips, I asked for hip x-rays when my pain levels jumped up, I was told I didn't need them and they wouldn't show anything. Then I met a lovely rheumatologist who told me she needed to see an x-ray of my hips and sent me straight off to have them done. I can now see why my hip has been giving me trouble and why, at times, even with the sticks, it is too painful to walk. The left side had a lot of bone around the joint, a bit too much I was told, but that's not a major problem. The right one however, that's a different story. Where all the bone was on the left hip, there was nothing on the right, just a huge gap. There isn't much there to hold it in position, therefore it probably has been coming out of place and that is the issue. Again she spoke of the whiteness, which I could identify as being the same as the knee x-rays, and again meant severe damage. This was evident on both hips in quite large areas in the joints.
I wondered what my notes had said when she said to me, "these x-rays show you are not making symptoms up". Who in their right mind would make symptoms like this up? Should have been my response, but she was nice so I let that one slide. So I now have evidence my knees and hips are severely damaged. The hip issue was new to me as I hadn't had them tested before. So why does this feel like a positive appointment?
She's given me some exercises to help with strength, I need to feel stronger. She has shown me the beast I am battling, it's not just a shadow overhanging me anymore it has a form. I feel like I have been heard and that things might be able to be done, but there is, of course, a down side too.
To be considered for the surgical option that may be necessary I need to go back to another physio I saw a few months ago. The physio that will have probably written in my notes that I could have been making up symptoms, I may discuss this with him and/or request another physio in that group instead. The same person who I had asked for the hip x-rays as I knew there was something wrong. The person who said there was not an issue there and that nothing would show up on an x-ray, so there was no point. I suppose it will be better now as the knees and hips have been x-rayed since I last saw him. The knees show a marked deterioration since the last set of x-rays were taken, I'm sure that will be visible to him as well. He can't argue the findings on the hips, I could see that myself before any explanation was given.
I will be seeing Lauren again in just over a month, then I will be referred back. I feel that things will get better now, maybe not my current medical state, I will need a minor miracle for that, but with the treatment I get. I can see the road ahead will not be easy, but at least I can see the road now. The journey to recovery starts with a single step, and I'm ready to take it.
